아쉬움

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Words is not something that flows easily for me. Tonight is one of those nights where I really wish I knew how to express my feelings through words.

A “what if.” What would you do? Balance the pros/cons and decide to accept all consequences to solve all the questions you held inside?

You had me at your eyes, you do not need to say one word and I am already lost. Lost in the clearest blue eyes I had ever seen. I felt like if I continue to stare any longer, somehow you would see right through me and know my deepest secrets. If I continue to stare back, I would not be able to get out of the spell you had me under. I do not mind getting lost from the tip of your smile to the little creases at the corner of your eyes. Somehow, I get the urge to run my fingers along those lines, know your story and know you.

It was all a “what if.”

Until today, Pandora’s box was open. I weighed out the pros/cons and decided to be brave (or stupid, whatever works right?) Have you ever made a decision knowing that the outcome is not in your favor? I knew the answer was not in my favor, but at least I finally got my answer instead of closing it away deeply into the smallest corner of my heart. I opened it and allow myself to be courageous and accept it for what it is supposed to be.

“(Aswium) is a Korean word that refers to a mingling of dissatisfaction, wistfulness, disappointment, regret, higher hopes, frustration and sadness.”

Life works in so many ways. It’s a new day and a fresh start. Just hope for the best.

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Consumption

I feel like I have not been on here for a very long time. Even school started in September, I was still adjusting to a new job and my old job(s). Sometimes all of my friends would ask, “Why do you have so many jobs?!” It is interesting to me as well. I like occupying myself and constantly doing something. However, I think it might take a toll on me some day. My school and jobs are basically my life now. I wake up with just enough time to get ready and make the train. Then I would be too exhausted to do anything, instead I just go straight to bed. The cycle just continues. I do not even have time to sit and blog. Is this even good for me?

However, I am used to it. I have been working like this since high school, it is nothing new to me. Maybe the only I am missing out on is the bar/club scene which I do not think is much. The only other thing I can say I miss is time. Time to finish a painting, a book, a movie, a roll of film I started and possibly time to relax. I met someone recently who told me that I need to live and stop working so much. Blame it on my addiction to work in order to fulfilled my dreams.

Just because I work a lot it does not mean I cannot stop at a small coffee shop just to catch up. I do not think I can ever get sick of coffee. It is just too delicious and it runs in my veins.
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Maybe I am immune to it, somehow it is nice to think that coffee can help me stay awake. Do you do this too??

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

Mini Resemblance

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Do you have a little sister/niece/nephew/brother that you see yourself in them? Sometimes I think that Jasmine is my mini version. I used to be exactly like her when I was little. Instead of helping my mom clean when I was younger, I would run outside to play hopscotch or go upstairs to my neighbor’s house and play. You just want to be a kid and each day is a brand new adventure. She is just as adventurous as I am, I remembered when she was two. This little girl was the queen of climbing, she would climb everywhere high and low. I love that my niece love the outdoors more than playing her video games.

For as long as I could remember, I dived right into arts and crafts, painting, drawing and making things. My drawings started off as stick figures, square heads and now they look more realistic. As for Jasmine, she is so creative, you have no idea! She would make the coolest things, like cutting out rainbows and placing a triangle on the bottom of it. It just looks right. Somehow I would think her ideas are so mature that it scares me. I love the fact that no one taught her how to make certain things and she ends up creating it on her own. Sometimes her creativity caused her to get in trouble because she would leave trails of paper cutting everywhere. I remember being young and not care like that, but now as we grow older, we know better.

I feel like I am her second mother sometimes; babysitting, feeding, and taking her places An interesting fact: I named her. You know those books with baby names, somehow I stumbled upon names that begins with J and Jasmine caught my eye. The reason? Maybe because I love Jasmine in Aladdin or because the smell of Jasmine is lovely. Or because whoever is named Jasmine have a  strong, determined nature in them. Jasmine definitely have a strong natured in her. Now that she is six, she say the most adorable things, “I can’t wait to get older (referring to being seven), I will have long hair just like you.” This little girl really is me! I remember being young and hoping my mom would let me have long hair like my sisters. Instead I get the typical bowl haircut with the bangs.   Or sometimes she would say things similar to this, “Grandpa can’t go to the zoo with us because he doesn’t have enough monies.” 

I just hope that she enjoys being young than wishing to grow up. We long to be young again, I think that is one of many things children tend to forget and take for granted.

A Quick Stop

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I love the days where things happened spontaneously. It’s a good day when I get to stop by one of my favorite bookstore, Brattle Book Shop. It is one of the oldest bookstores in Boston, not only is it different but it is very similar to thrifting. We would have to dig through all the racks outside for a good read, but sometime you just stumbled upon one. I found some really good ones just by looking through the shelves. That’s the best isn’t it? I think Boston need more bookstores around the downtown area and more of a sitting area just so one can enjoy a quick read.

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Each of my books are $1, what a steal! I am not sure but I am always interested in reading books about the King Henry V period. Maybe it is adding to my addiction towards Game of Thrones even though they are nowhere connected to one another. And I have always been a fan of Elie Wiesel ever since I read his book, NightThe book just captured you and bring you straight to the events of the holocaust. He is very descriptive and the details of everything that occurred him during the Holocaust. I am not sure if I will ever have the will power to survive it that happen to me.

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Cases of Mondays

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It is definitely not the weekend anymore, everyone is back to their routine. I am not usually the one to say “oh I got the case of Monday’s.” However, I definitely feel it today. Even though everything is going by pretty quickly, the pressure of getting things done for the upcoming days is building up. It is always the hardest day of the week, I think I am still on summer/weekend mode. I had one of the most relaxing weekends in awhile. If the weather is forgiving, I might get the chance to sit on my second floor porch and drink some cider and relax. But we all know Boston weather tends to be unpredictable. I am just hoping for the next couple weekends of summer to be nice before it is completely over.
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Summer Days Running Low

I am not sure when I will get more days like these past several weekends. Time tends to drift by without any notice. I probably said this already, but I cannot stress it enough. Try to spend as much time with family and friends before you cannot anymore.

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 Empire of the Sun again, I think I am quite lucky to see them up close for the second time! They are truly one of the best performers I have seen.
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My go-to comfy look: Top: H&M: V-neck salt and pepper sweater/  Bottom: H&M Logg Boyfriend Jeans/ Shoes: Nine West Strap Heels
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I think once you had attended one music festival, you get addicted and try to attend as much as you can. I love that this year Boston Calling music selections varied from indie/alternative/rap/edm. When the music genres varies like this, it is much more interesting to go and enjoy to because you get more than one selection.

What Risks Did You Take?

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power” – Alan Cohen

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You never know what something might be until you take that chance.

Somehow today revolved around the topic of “taking a risk.” It derived from a simple question, “Do you start something knowing that there is a possibility that it might not work in the end? Or do you just take that risk and see where it might lead?” This past year, I have asked myself similar questions whether it was about my career change, meeting/talking to someone new and changing schools. My process could have been a little easier if I was not scaredI was scared of the unknown. Also, I liked the idea of knowing the end result. If I can picture it, then I will give it try. On the other hand, if I can not see some kind of end result I would be afraid to try it out. So many what if’s or what would happen if I…?? Just too many questions.

“The first reaction is one of fear. It’s not that we fear the unknown. You cannot fear something that you do not know. Nobody is afraid of the unknown. What you really fear is the loss of the known. That’s what you fear.”

Instead of thinking like that, I totally forgot that the whole point of taking the risk is the unknown. That is the adventurous part of it! It is not controllable or predictable. Don’t get me wrong! I am the first to jump at doing anything spontaneous. However, I can also be the first to halt if I see the big, red, flashing STOP sign in my head warning not to do anything drastic.

Maybe because it was my past experiences and my lacked of experiences which affected a lot of my decisions. I was comfortable with the idea of having a career in medicine because I know that there is always a demand in that. Therefore, it was a “go-to” decision. Now thinking back, I made a lot of “go-to” decisions. Choosing a career that was recommended to me by the elders because they have more experienced in life or because I did not want to struggle later in life. I rather be by myself than open up to someone knowing they might move or leave soon. There is that cliché saying, if you got hurt once, you do not want to get hurt again. Or why put all of your eggs in one basket? If there is any factors that is not beneficial, I would rather take myself out of the situation. Is that selfish of me?

As humans, we prefer where we are or we just do not know how to act around change. As I am getting older, I realized that there are so many things I cannot control. Today emphasized that, in certain situations, I have learned to listen to my gut instead of my brain. What if I am missing out on an amazing opportunity, or someone so sweet and genuine that I will never get a chance again? Sometimes, taking that risk or getting out of the comfort zone might open up to new possibilities.

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It might turn into something beautiful like this tree.

“Why not concentrate on the now instead of hoping for better times in the future? Why not understand the now instead of forgetting it and hoping for the future? Isn’t the future just another trap?”